Mama responses

The juices are flowing.  This has been such a cool process and has had such wonderful response so far.  I've gotten to reconnect with mama friends, "meet" new mamas and hear more about the experiences of friends I know well but who's experiences were still to be uncovered.  Even if this blog ended today, the outcome of feeling more connected, positive and rejuvinated has been achieved.

A number of amazing mamas will be writing in the upcoming months but here are two exerpts from email responses I have gotten which make me really excited for the full deal!  This has all gotten me so excited about all the ways that I can shake up our routine at home...

What are my passions? I have no shortage of professional passion. Where I have less of a clear vision of passion is beyond family and work…then what? So that’s my growing edge for now.

And the goals lady website reminded me of a good lesson: Not sure if I’ve ever told you but every Feb, Carlos and I celebrate our anniversary (not wedding but start of relationship – 12 years and counting). And we have a journal and we write in it. First, it was just goals for next year. Then it was goals divided into category: him, me, us (then house/garden, now Maya, Camila, Family, etc.) Over the years, we’ve also added in highlights of the previous year and then lowlights too. We document all the births/deaths/marriages/(now) divorces there too. It’s super great and an amazing chronicle of our lives together. But the lady’s blog reminded me (just as we do with businesses/organizations) that goals shouldn’t be one year only but couched as part of a larger vision of what we want our lives to be like many years down the road. So now I’m inspired to revision our practice and see if our one year goals can actually get us somewhere over time. Thank you for the reminder and I’m certain to start thinking of my passions outside of work and family so that I can be a person that is an inspiring role model for these little girls.

the timing couldn't be more perfect. i am still in the thick of it. feel as though i'd just come out of some pretty intense depression for the year plus after quinn's birth and here i am dabbling right back in it after dexter. i want to write. i will write. oh my i used to write so much pre kids. i miss it like a limb. today i'm afraid i'd have little to offer... i'm not sure how to find oneself after kids... but as i write this i do realize that even being vulnerable and open in ones stuckness can provide something for someone somewhere, even if it's just me. so thanks. and it might take a little time, it might now. man it's the biggest adventure i've ever been on.

Do you have a story you want to share?  Tell me about it!

Leah: The Song Inside

Parenthood rocks!  Screaming kids, little sleep, no personal time, hardly any sex.  After having my first (and only) child two and a half years ago, my life went to shit.  Slowly but surely I am regaining a sense of happiness and individuality through carving out little chunks of time for myself. 

The first thing I can remember doing for myself after my daughter was born was starting a twice-a-month ritual of going to Kabuki Spa in San Francisco for the $20 soak-all-you-want hot tubs and steam baths.  It was cheap and easy.  Although it was never enough, it‘s amazing how just two hours, twice a month gave me a sense of rejuvenation amid the chaos.  Ahhhh, how I loved those hot tubs!  I would close my eyes and float away on a cloud, drifting to the shamanic flute music…

The key was that it was a recurring event, in the calendar without fail.  Scheduling anything is a chore, but when it happens on a recurring schedule it becomes easy.  If I was going to go through the pain to schedule something, I may as well do it regularly.

Since the birth of our child, we’ve always been on a tight budget.  Babysitters have been almost non-existent.  Therefore I’ve had to get creative to carve out personal time.  In the early months of parenthood, after my daughter went to bed, I would often find myself on the internet losing countless hours browsing Facebook, email, news, whatever.  I started to get vigilant about curbing my internet use and actually using those precious hours on what I really loved – making art.  Pre-mamahood, I was a musician, painter and craft making fool.  I started to devote just one hour a night to these passions and slowly but surely my creative juices have come back.  My projects are moving slower than they used to, but THEY’RE MOVING – and that feels amazing. 

 

A few months ago, after a particularly hard week, I was venting to one of my other Mama friends about how I just couldn’t “get it together.”  We both agreed we wanted someone to lean on, someone to be accountable to, someone other than our husbands.  So we started a weekly 60 minute check-in call with each other where we would briefly tell the other what we were struggling with and what we were committed to doing during the next week to make our life better.  Those calls became my rock.  They started to really boost my confidence and helped me really take my life back into my own hands.  For 30 minutes we’d talk about her life, then 30 minutes about mine.  Within two weeks, I started to finally do yoga again and also get more serious about making jewelry to sell.  Now, only eight weeks after starting our calls, I’ve established a yoga practice 3 times a week and I’m making jewelry on a level I had only dreamed of just a year ago.  The support of my mama friend helped to push me through those roadblocks I had set up for myself.   The best part is I’ve also been able to help her and we’ve established a deeper friendship through this process.

Honestly, I still wish I had more time to myself, more peace and more sex in my life.  But I’ve found that if I don’t do the little things to carve out time, they will never happen.  My pinnacle achievement thus far in mama hood – I just took a two day process painting Mandala workshop.  I had over 16 hours to paint and enjoy connecting with my soul in a way I had not done – ever!  My painting is called, “The Song Inside”.   What I took away from the workshop is that I MUST CREATE.  And I must allow myself to be seen, and to be heard.  And to do this, I must TAKE the time, because nobody is standing there waiting to give it to me. (www.paintmandalas.com)

Tauni: Letting go to let happen

Perhaps I have an undiagnosed case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, perhaps I was just living under my own special, heavy dark raincloud over the winter,or perhaps it was the fog of a new baby and a toddler.  Whatever "it" was, it's been established now that I felt the least happy and the least myself I had felt in a long time over this past winter.  So, it's interesting to try to understand why I all of a sudden feel MUCH more like myself than ever and finally feel like I am parenting in a way that doesn't make me cringe at the end of the day.  I've actually been very "me" the last few weeks and can attribute that to a few areas where I have experienced "ahhhh", release and letting go to let things happen. 

PEOPLE ENERGY:

There have been a few things I could point to that make me feel better.  One, and one BIG one, is that we've all been sleeping a lot better.  I finally acquiesced to the need to stay home for large stretches of the day to make sure my infant sleeps properly.  This decision had distinct ramifications for me and my toddler however.  Now, instead of heading out first thing in the morning to meet up with friends and go puddle jumping, we were spending hours on end just waiting for a window of time when both boys were awake to be able to do anything beyond our property limit.  This lent to two very stir crazy individuals.

Number two is that I acknowledged that, based on the above and despite my lack of readiness, my toddler needs more inspiration than me and we're lucky to be able to provide it.  A block away hours of playtime awaited my son in the form of preschool.  I was NOT ready...but apparently he was.  He's been coming home and saying how much fun he's having and practically skips down the street.  I can now be guilt free two mornings a week as he burns his energy playing with friends and learning new things as I let the baby sleep.

SPACIAL ENERGY
This is really what I wanted to write about and this is my overwhelming need to clear out space in our house.  We live in an old house with minimal storage and no garage.  When we moved in, I told my husband that any furniture or decor that did not make it into our living spaces was being donated.  I was not going to store anything that didn't belong in this house.  But living as we do, we end up accumulating as the years go by.  Add kids and the stuff piles high.  And I felt weighed down by my stuff.  A couple weeks ago I began a whole-house campaign to rid ourselves of anything that was not being used, didn't make us feel great, or otherwise just took up space.  In order to set an example, I went through ALL my clothes...every single piece.  Being that I am done having kids and am close to my pre-birth weight, I wanted to get rid of all clothes that don't fit well, are stretched out beyond recognition, don't look good or belong to another era (like all my suits from living abroad.  Really?  Even if I had to wear suits again, I doubt I'd go out into the world in the random, outdated suits I wore 10 years ago!!!)  I'll admit to holding on to two pair of ripped jeans because, not quite being at pre-birth weight yet, I just can't stomach buying new jeans, or really any new clothes.  So don't expect to see fashion walking down the street when you see me. It's just not as bad as it was!

Once my closet was down to about 20 hangers, I inspired my husband to tackle his.  Between the two of us we donated over 10 grocery bags full of perfectly usable clothes.  Ahhh, space.  And I did the same with the boys' clothes.  At the rate we do laundry, we didn't need 20 shirts and 15 pair of pants for each boy. So, again, I chose my favorites and passed on the rest...and we STILL have an overabundance. But now it doesn't feel so oppressive.

Finally, I was bound and determined to create ONE space in our house where I could go and close the door; a place that was NOT the bathroom.  Living in a house with a loft is fun and funky but not private.  I yearned for a little slice of privacy.  We rearranged one whole room, got rid of a bed, acquired a futon, stole a rug from another room in the house and now have a dreamly little playroom and mommy sanctuary.  I have felt so excited every time I've gone in there and closed the door. 

CREATIVE ENERGY



Dry salt curing olives

Likely because I've been feeling better, but also because it is spring and spring inspires new growth and inspiration, I've been wanting to get my hands into things.  My son and I have planted a number of seeds to plant for spring.  We've pulled out the old veggies and gotten the soil prepared for the new.  We built a structure out of bamboo and twine.  We planted beans and peas at the base of the structure and hope that this summer the boys can play inside a bean fort.  At the urging of a friend, I've finally picked all the olives off our tree and for the first time ever am experimenting with curing our own olives. 

My mom bought me a great sewing maching for $20 at a garage sale.  It's been staring me in the face since summer.  I finally got the motivation to try something new and made my first "batch" of reusable snack bags.  They are definitely homemade (ie: have raggedy seams), but function!  I'm obsessed...for now.  Just can't figure out when I'll have time to actually make more.

Not sure I can keep all this up, but the dabbling into many different things has been helping me figure out what really gets me excited, makes me light up and otherwise gives me something to look forward to.   I truly attribute all this new energy to having cleaned house...literally and figuratively.  I can't recommend it enough.  Go through your stuff...what is weighing you down?  What don't you need anymore?  Give it new life somewhere else and free up your space.  See what happens!

Colette: Inspiration through creation

I have always known that motherhood would be my future.  Not that I wasn’t ambitious or didn’t have career goals, but what I saw myself doing in my thirties was volunteering in kindergarten classrooms and driving to ballet/swim/karate classes - not sitting in board rooms and driving to an office building.  I ached to be a mom who was present and attentive for her kids.  A mom who made homemade baby food and read to them for an hour each day to expand their vocabularies.  I promised myself that my children wouldn’t watch TV before age 3, would only eat whole grain, organic cereals, and would never throw a tantrum in the grocery store.  Then I had my first daughter…

Soon it became clear my pre-baby ideas were unrealistic and silly.  Dinner at times could not get made unless

Sesame Street

“babysat” my daughter for a half an hour.  Healthy Cheerios were given up for Golden Grahams when that was all she would eat.  And when I saw a mom with a screaming kid at Target I just wanted to give her a hug and tell her I knew how she felt.  My first lessons of motherhood were to “never say never”, and not to judge others for their parenting choices

While I loved my daughter with a deeper sense of love than I ever before felt in my life, I was not prepared for what it really meant to be a mom.  I had anticipated the joy of seeing her first smile, and the pride I would feel in generosity and intelligence, but I did not anticipate the day to day monotony that also accompanies raising children.  Never ending cleaning of bodily fluids, dishes, toys, and clothes.  Reading of the same book over and over because that was all she wanted to hear.  Doing the same puzzle and stacking the same blocks every day till I wanted to poke my eyes out.  And what I was really unprepared for was the inability to accomplish anything that was my own because I simply didn’t have the time, energy, or motivation. 

After my second daughter was born I simply became complacent to who I used to be and who I wanted to be outside of being a wife and a mother.  I was resigned to defining myself as only their mom and getting my sense of self through them and their needs and accomplishments. While I was working two days a week outside of the house I wasn’t feeling fulfilled by it so I then felt guilty being away from my girls doing something that wasn’t helping me to be a better mother or person.  I wasn’t unhappy by any means, but I was feeling creatively lacking and longed for something that was mine and mine alone. 

Before having kids I dabbled in all sorts of arts and craft.  I threw pottery, I knit scarves and hats, I designed birthday and thank you cards, and I made beaded jewelry.  I would get a jolt of excitement when a picture in my mind would become a reality in my hands.  I desperately wanted to feel this again, but I also secretly wanted to create something others may want too.

I was given a necklace for a baby gift that was two sterling silver disks with the names of my girls stamped into each one.  I cried when I received it and I wore it everyday.  I was fascinated by how it was made and I had an unexplained belief that I could make something similar if not better.  One dreary afternoon I suddenly made a proclamation to myself that I was going to start making hand stamped silver jewelry and was going to sell it online.  In hindsight this was subconsciously something I always wanted to do but didn’t believe I could do.  At the time it really felt more like the universe was pushing me forward because it knew this is what I truly needed to do.  I believed that the only way I could fail was if I didn’t try. That night when I told my husband this crazy idea I was blessed with his instant support.  From the get go he said “Great, I know you can do it.”  He never questioned my desire or drive, he just said, “How can I help?”

I embarked on researching extensively how to make the products I wanted to create and I began to gradually buy supplies.  For the first few months I would work for hours after my girls had gone to bed learning, practicing, designing, and creating my jewelry.  It was as if something was awakened inside of me that I didn’t even know had been asleep.  I began to give away necklaces to friends and family.  Soon these same people wanted to buy things for their friends and family.  Word of mouth slowly spread.  I had a website built and began to sell my items on Etsy.  Every month my sales would grow and my confidence would grow.  A year later I woke up and realized I had not only become a jewelry designer, but a photographer (having taken hundreds of product shots for my website), a business woman, and a better mom.  It has been 20 months since the afternoon I made the choice to start my business and I have made and sold over 700 pieces of jewelry.  It is a day to day challenge to stay focused and motivated, but I wake up with the intention that I am going to create something that day that is valuable and meaningful to someone else which makes me want to do it more and do it better.



Addie Rose necklace



I gave myself a reality that had only been a dream.  And this gave me a pride and belief in my abilities and individuality that had been severely compromised before.  I love that my 5 year old tells her kindergarten class that her mommy’s job is making jewelry, and that what she wants to give as gifts to her friends for their birthdays is a necklace that I make.  I want to show both my girls that you can create anything you believe is worth creating, and that the harder you work the luckier you get (thank you Mark Twain.)

I named my business Addie Rose after my girls, Adelaide Katherine and Avery Rose because without them I don’t think I would have done this.  I don’t think I would have found the drive, patience and dedication in me to make it happen.  Motherhood at first suppressed my passions and identity (I was just too tired and overwhelmed to find them), but now motherhood has given me those things ten fold.  I have never felt more like me in my life.

Sheryl: An angel in your life...

The past year was by far the most taxing I've ever experienced...managing the huge demands of being a new parent of a toddler with special needs and a first year therapist, with the constant pull of being a full time graduate student.  The moment of celebration has finally arrived, however, and that year is in the past tense now and much has been accomplished:

• Graduate School For Sheryl:  Check.  
• Professional Internship for Sheryl:  Check.
• Sheryl Hired Upon Graduation:  Check.  
• Alex Selling NY Apartment Building:  Check
• Offer Accepted on Land in Port Townsend:  Check.
• Kai Walking, Running and Even Talking:  Check!

In this, my first pause since starting graduate school and having a son in 2008/2009, I find myself in a reflective space.  Recently, my dear friend asked me to reflect in writing on how being a mom has transformed me, so I thought I'd use this space as an opportunity to do just that.  In truth, there is not one cell in my body, one thought process in my mind, one quantuum in my soul or spirit that has not been completely remade over the past three years. Now for those of you who may have just experienced an internal moan, let me comfort you by offering that I will allow my mentor Inigo Montoya to guide my writing with these words: "Let me Explain.  No that is too much.  Let me Sum Up."

Prior to Kai, I was a master at crafting a mirage of limitlessness by simply setting my sled dog free accomplishing whatever I wished by sacrificing sleep, sanity and self .  However, the very first night I arrived home to a cranky and needy Kai after a draining 12 hour day at work, I realized this strategy was no longer going to cut it.  All of my training and experience in the fully immersed, flat out way of living had nothing to offer me because this pace of living required time to completely shut down and rejuvenate.  It hit me that this quiet time wasn't going to come for at least 18 years so I needed a new pace. This realization has permeated every aspect of my living: from being a mom, to a life partner and a therapist.  And as I begin to accept my own limits and take less responsibility for everything, I notice that those around me take on more, perform better, shine brighter. It is up to me to turn down clients when I have too many, to go home after 10 hours of work, to ask a friend for help with Kai if I need a break.  I realize I was great at taking responsibility for everything in my life except for creating the boundaries I most needed to thrive.  Hence, my new life:  20 hours of work, a part time nanny to help care for Kai, and time scheduled for writing and creating, my most nourishing practices. And Voila! A life rescued from mere surviving and transformed into thriving.  Learn I Have Limits: Check.

Most recently, I've come to see that my son is teaching me about another blind spot.  Ever since Kai was born everyone has said to us: "What a blessing Kai will be.  There is no one as sweet as Down's kids.  You'll be forever grateful, you've got an angel in your life."  I'm not kidding, from nurses and doctors to therapists and teachers.  It seems everyone is in agreement:  Kai is an angel we've been blessed to live with.  Well, with this kind of PR its no wonder that I fell into idealizing my own son.  Particularly given my own tendency toward idealization.  I began expecting everyone he interacted with to reinforce this glowing perception by joining the chorus of adorers.

And it was pretty unanimous until Kai got his first teeth at 14 months.  The he began experimenting with biting, at first only with me, then Alex and soon the world at large.  I can still feel the coursing anxiety I experienced when Kai bit his first child in a random coffee shop somewhere in Seattle (location permanently erased from memory).  I can remember the mom's insane reaction:  "What is your child? An animal of some kind?"  And while I initially nearly took her out with one swipe of my mama bear claw, once I was in my car I sobbed uncontrollably for at least an hour crawling home through horrible traffic, pouring rain and with a screaming Kai in the back.


Many times I've flashed back to that horrible experience wondering just what it was that wounded me so deeply.  There are many answers to this complex question, but for the purposes of this exploration I will focus on the one most relevant.  Since that incident, despite my own skilled hypervigilance, Kai has bitten other kids numerous times with a range of responses from parents from sad and shocked to supportive and understanding.  At my more tired times, I avoid gatherings with other kids as I simply cannot manage the amount of energy it takes to keep everyone safe.  I am always deeply touched by those moms who know Kai's tendency toward biting and help me be on the lookout so I don't feel so alone.  I have examined my own responses deeply enough to understand that I feel shame about Kai's biting, not that I can't stop him but that he bites at all.  And I trace this back to the process of idealization I described earlier, both about Kai and my own tendency toward idealization.

As Kai has entered full blown two year oldness, I began reading some books around supporting the testing and tempering that comes with this stage .  The best one's among them recognized the valid feelings underneath these experiences.  They helped me wake up from the dream of Kai to the reality of Kai.  Right there in front of me sat the answer: I was denying half of who Kai was for the sake of my own addiction to idealizaiton, and truly, our culture's as well.  From the moment of his birth, the expectation of angelic demeanor was placed on Kai and I dutifully carried the banner for him.  My view of Kai allowed for no aggression, frustration, or unkind behavior.  His biting became a symbol of everything Not Angel in him.  Hence, the shame. Shame, simply put, is the feeling of "I am no good." If left unchecked, my own sense of shame when Kai bit others would have soon transferred to him leaving him with that nagging feeling so many of us carry that we are not good enough.  Awaking to this insight has shifted my interactions with Kai 180 degrees.  Daily I catch myself hosting some expectation of the perfect for Kai and I challenge it every time I catch it and broaden myself to allow my son to be who he is in the moment:  frustrated, mad, raging mad or simply feeling aggressive.  The more I support him to experience his authentic feelings, the more I believe he will learn to manage these feelings without acting out or in, as so many older kids do.

Having a child is the most humbling experience I know.  And it is deeply transforming me in ways formerly unattainable despite the endless soul searching that has characterized my life.  I realize now I that I AM blessed with an angel in my life through Kai, I just needed to remember that sometimes angels take on terrible and terrifying forms.