Leonie: The Source of Myself - It's Not What You Do

As a mama who has spent the past 7 months struggling to stay clear of a second bout of post partum depression, and as a normally very upbeat “go get ‘em” kind of person, it is amazingly challenging for me to be as honest here as I know I need to be.  Before having kids, I was sure I’d always be insanely busy; super social; well recognized and liked for what I do; a mama who didn’t let kids “get in the way” of who she really was.  Well, after battling post partum depression throughout the first year of my now three year old’s life and unfortunately revisiting that gloomy place  following the arrival of my second son, I realize that pre-kids, I knew nothing about how profoundly having children would affect and change me. 

As so many of us are, I was committed to holding onto my “old self”.  But as uncomfortable as it has been, I am realizing that in many ways that “old self” no longer exists.  As hokey as it may sound I feel somewhat reborn. I am not the woman I was before kids.  Yes, the concept of yoga, dance and backpacking do still thrill me… I still love people and truly thrive in social and community related arenas, but at the same time, just about everything about me has changed.  It is wildly uncomfortable but what I am working on today as a “newish” mama, is seeking peace with the new me.  Listening to my gut.  Leaving behind the world of doing it right and achieving.  Accepting the unknown.  Redefining myself and yeah, kind of starting over. 

In retrospect and through the pain of depression, I realize how , prior to becoming a mother, I survived on shining accolades from the outside world.  Were the dance events I held full to capacity?  Did I exceed the wildest expectations of my clients?  Was I best friends with a pretty ridiculous number of people?  Were my weekends booked to overflowing with exciting volunteer and social activities?  Did I have inspiring and interesting stories to share at every turn?  Was I liked and accepted?  Was I doing enough and doing it perfectly? 

Letting go of what in many ways made me “me” pre-kids, has allowed me to step beyond an almost paralyzing need for approval and recognition.  Being the best at things.  Having the best stories to tell on Monday at work.  Making sure I was liked by everyone… It was exhausting on a core level.  Wiping clean the slate, has in many ways freed me.  I will achieve.  In fact, I am achieving now but it’s on a more intimate level than ever before.  I am walking a private path.  This is new and uncomfortable for an innately social person.  Can I stay true to my need for love, community and adventure while simultaneously honoring my new self?  Being quiet has helped.  Simplifying my social circles.  Letting go of “shoulds” and comparison.  Doing less, not more.  Contemplation.  Walks in the woods.  I know I could successfully coordinate mama-oriented events.  I could launch back into work with smiles and success.  I could recommit to an awe-inspiring yoga or dance schedule. I could definitely do more, more of what the “old” me would have done. But where is the line that honors this new path?

Recently I was asked to answer the question “Who am I?” without saying anything about things that I did….  I was stuck and found myself near tears.   The depression and questions I have struggled with since having the boys has evolved around becoming okay without constant outside reassurance that I am the best/succeeding/loved/doing more & better than most..etc.  Can I be me, truly accept me and not define myself by a job, a project, a form of exercise, a hobby?  Without wild tales of success to tell when I run into acquaintances, can I accept myself not as Leonie; the friend, the realtor, the event coordinator, the world traveler, the dancer; but rather as just Leonie… a strong, loving, committed, hungry, passionate, positive, friendly, willing to be quiet, tired, scared at times, antsy, curious, mama to two and introspective woman nearing 40?  Can I smile and share a piece of the real me, rather than depend on a crazy tale from my latest accomplishment in order to be accepted and feel connected?

 It is this question and my willingness to surrender into it which is helping me to find a way out of pretty ugly periods.  I am blessed that this second bout with the blues has been quite mild compared to the first.  I feel blessed that I have had the chance to strip away everything and ask these questions.  If I had kept working as much as I once did, had stayed as busy and as externally focused as I once was, this raw and real side of me, this more authentic, grounded and straightforward me, this new me would have remained unknown.  And this new me is capable of anything.  I might not be climbing mountains, but I birthed two incredible boys and that alone was insanely beautiful and life changing.  I might not be hosting sold-out dance events, but I made it through long months of “colic” with both kiddos and some damn ugly post partum depression. Life is simple now and there’s a whole lot more space in my heart and head when I’m not worrying about the rest of the world and what I “should” be doing. Honestly, not knowing this side of me, no wild tales or grand list of accomplishments, would not only have been a disappointment to me, but I know that in some awesome ways that being this vulnerable, willing and real of a woman, will only benefit my boys, as well as the rest of my wild and wonderful journey as Leonie.

Carrie: Family Camping

My husband and I both grew up in small towns in the mountains.  Camping, hiking, swimming in rivers and lakes, was a way of life.  Before we had kids we would spend time tent camping, kayaking, and skiing.  We also took trips to Europe, the East coast and crazy weekends getaways to Las Vegas and New Orleans.   Then our first daughter was born...(queue the screeching tire noises).  In other words, our time of kick-our-heels up travel was over! 

But when one door closes, another one opens.  Three months after Sadie was born we found a 1970’s Airstream travel trailer, and decided to give it a try.  It hadn’t been on the road in quite a while, and we spent some time getting it up-to-date.  Soon, we were camping all over the mountains again.  I found our daughter loved being outside all the time and playing in nature, and I loved getting away from the pressures of everyday life.

After moving to the Bay Area, we discovered a whole new type of camping.  Now, instead of spending time in the rugged beauty of the Sierra Nevada Mountains, we find ourselves camping by the beach, or in the nearby redwoods.  This past summer, now with two young daughters, we went on a whole new adventure and drove all the way to Vancouver Island, camping along the way.

Sometimes I lament the days of carefree travel, and I can’t say I don’t yearn for another trip to Europe.  For me, the stress and cost of towing two small children around the globe is something to avoid at the moment.  But, I have found so much joy in rediscovering our own part of the world.  There really is so much to see right here.  Not only that, I love to camp because it takes me away from my everyday chores, and routines, and I find myself reconnecting with my family on a deeper level. 

I know that this has become our family “thing”.  We are campers, and this is something the kids will identify with as they grow up.  For my family, camping is what we do to get us back in the groove.  It is where I reset my goals, and dream about my future.  When you sit out in the woods without any distraction, things settle down, and life becomes simple again. 

Anna: The Shift of Motherhood

I recently read the following quote in a parenting book: "You should study not only that you become a mother when your child is born, but also that you become a child."  Karen Maezen Miller, the author of the book, "Mama Zen," credits these words to Dogan, a Buddhist philosopher and monk who lived almost 800 years ago.  Such a message is like the light from a distant star, a beam which shoots across inconceivable spans of time and distances of space to reach our modern eyes.  Words like these may have originated long ago in an era I cannot imagine, in a language I cannot speak and from a source long since deceased.  Still, the message is not only enduring but universal to any parent, in fact, enduring because it is universal.  Anybody who knows the radical reordering of oneself that happens as one falls into the role of parent recognizes the deep wisdom in Dogan's message.  It is a role I, myself, assumed over three years ago now when our son, Luke, was born and it is a role that profoundly shook and rearranged my drive and purpose in living.

"Mother" is something a woman does every day after the birth of her child and so each day becomes.  As easy as it is to satisfy the definition of mother, to leave the definition here would be like wading only ever in the warmth and calmness of bay waters and saying you know the ocean.  "Mother" is a word like a prism.  The definition is the shell of cold crystal and the breath of meaning is the light of experience that bursts through this glass in a colorful show.  "Mother," then, is much more than what a woman becomes with the shift from "am not" to "am" at a child's birth.  In my experience, it has not been a static state but, instead, a title which continues to deepen and ripen over time as both my son and I grow together to fill the space of our respective roles in each other’s lives.        

Motherhood is a state of living in extremes.  In my experiences with Luke I have known the most profound and intense joy, pride, happiness and gratitude as I’ve watched and relished in his transformation from a floppy baby bird of a being swaddled in my arms to a now fully articulate and imaginative boy so bursting with personality he almost seems to radiate at times.  Simultaneously, I’ve experienced with Luke overwhelming senses of anxiety, frustration, exhaustion and helplessness.  Never in my life have I felt, for example, so defeated and emotionally depleted as in times of Luke’s tantrums, common occurrences in our home during his 2’s.  The drain from my core during his raging fits proved challenging in seemingly insurmountable ways.  Now almost 3 and a half, Luke has mostly mellowed and has certainly become more reasonable and rational.  His tantrums have somewhat subsided and, when they do occur, I’m seasoned enough now in dealing with them that I can abandon my urge to tame them and, instead, ride the wave of them until their extinction.  Luke always eventually regains composure just like smoldering embers always eventually extinguish. 

In the end, I’ve learned more from Luke and from myself in my new role for Luke that motherhood is not an instinctual switch which flips in our brains with the birth of a child, after which time our lives as nurturers proceed on auto pilot.  Motherhood is, instead, a process which highlights the ultimate process of growth and change we’ve all known and experienced since our own lives began at birth.  Motherhood is something I work every day to be and do and strive to be and do to the best of my ability.  Sometimes I feel a joy in my days with Luke so palpable it’s as though, with his arrival, a new and separate heart has grown inside my chest.  Other days, I find myself in tears, at a loss, guilt-ridden and defeated in light of my lack of patience with him, my frustration or even so much as my abrupt tone of voice with him in light of both. 

Ultimately, motherhood, in even these three short years, has opened doors in me, sparked friendships and taught me the importance of allowing a space for imperfections for it is only in such spaces that true growth can happen.  Luke is my greatest, deepest joy and hope.  He is also my greatest challenge, my most profound lesson in living.  Motherhood has sprouted new life in the life I once thought complete and, in a sense, I found the groove I’ve been seeking when I became a mother.  In other ways, I realize that motherhood is a cocoon for alchemy within me so that, as I usher the transformation of Luke and prepare him for individuality and independence in the world, I also witness an equally profound shift within myself and, amidst these rapid changes, remember to preserve my own individuality and independence despite this all encompassing role of mother. 

Mama responses

The juices are flowing.  This has been such a cool process and has had such wonderful response so far.  I've gotten to reconnect with mama friends, "meet" new mamas and hear more about the experiences of friends I know well but who's experiences were still to be uncovered.  Even if this blog ended today, the outcome of feeling more connected, positive and rejuvinated has been achieved.

A number of amazing mamas will be writing in the upcoming months but here are two exerpts from email responses I have gotten which make me really excited for the full deal!  This has all gotten me so excited about all the ways that I can shake up our routine at home...

What are my passions? I have no shortage of professional passion. Where I have less of a clear vision of passion is beyond family and work…then what? So that’s my growing edge for now.

And the goals lady website reminded me of a good lesson: Not sure if I’ve ever told you but every Feb, Carlos and I celebrate our anniversary (not wedding but start of relationship – 12 years and counting). And we have a journal and we write in it. First, it was just goals for next year. Then it was goals divided into category: him, me, us (then house/garden, now Maya, Camila, Family, etc.) Over the years, we’ve also added in highlights of the previous year and then lowlights too. We document all the births/deaths/marriages/(now) divorces there too. It’s super great and an amazing chronicle of our lives together. But the lady’s blog reminded me (just as we do with businesses/organizations) that goals shouldn’t be one year only but couched as part of a larger vision of what we want our lives to be like many years down the road. So now I’m inspired to revision our practice and see if our one year goals can actually get us somewhere over time. Thank you for the reminder and I’m certain to start thinking of my passions outside of work and family so that I can be a person that is an inspiring role model for these little girls.

the timing couldn't be more perfect. i am still in the thick of it. feel as though i'd just come out of some pretty intense depression for the year plus after quinn's birth and here i am dabbling right back in it after dexter. i want to write. i will write. oh my i used to write so much pre kids. i miss it like a limb. today i'm afraid i'd have little to offer... i'm not sure how to find oneself after kids... but as i write this i do realize that even being vulnerable and open in ones stuckness can provide something for someone somewhere, even if it's just me. so thanks. and it might take a little time, it might now. man it's the biggest adventure i've ever been on.

Do you have a story you want to share?  Tell me about it!

Leah: The Song Inside

Parenthood rocks!  Screaming kids, little sleep, no personal time, hardly any sex.  After having my first (and only) child two and a half years ago, my life went to shit.  Slowly but surely I am regaining a sense of happiness and individuality through carving out little chunks of time for myself. 

The first thing I can remember doing for myself after my daughter was born was starting a twice-a-month ritual of going to Kabuki Spa in San Francisco for the $20 soak-all-you-want hot tubs and steam baths.  It was cheap and easy.  Although it was never enough, it‘s amazing how just two hours, twice a month gave me a sense of rejuvenation amid the chaos.  Ahhhh, how I loved those hot tubs!  I would close my eyes and float away on a cloud, drifting to the shamanic flute music…

The key was that it was a recurring event, in the calendar without fail.  Scheduling anything is a chore, but when it happens on a recurring schedule it becomes easy.  If I was going to go through the pain to schedule something, I may as well do it regularly.

Since the birth of our child, we’ve always been on a tight budget.  Babysitters have been almost non-existent.  Therefore I’ve had to get creative to carve out personal time.  In the early months of parenthood, after my daughter went to bed, I would often find myself on the internet losing countless hours browsing Facebook, email, news, whatever.  I started to get vigilant about curbing my internet use and actually using those precious hours on what I really loved – making art.  Pre-mamahood, I was a musician, painter and craft making fool.  I started to devote just one hour a night to these passions and slowly but surely my creative juices have come back.  My projects are moving slower than they used to, but THEY’RE MOVING – and that feels amazing. 

 

A few months ago, after a particularly hard week, I was venting to one of my other Mama friends about how I just couldn’t “get it together.”  We both agreed we wanted someone to lean on, someone to be accountable to, someone other than our husbands.  So we started a weekly 60 minute check-in call with each other where we would briefly tell the other what we were struggling with and what we were committed to doing during the next week to make our life better.  Those calls became my rock.  They started to really boost my confidence and helped me really take my life back into my own hands.  For 30 minutes we’d talk about her life, then 30 minutes about mine.  Within two weeks, I started to finally do yoga again and also get more serious about making jewelry to sell.  Now, only eight weeks after starting our calls, I’ve established a yoga practice 3 times a week and I’m making jewelry on a level I had only dreamed of just a year ago.  The support of my mama friend helped to push me through those roadblocks I had set up for myself.   The best part is I’ve also been able to help her and we’ve established a deeper friendship through this process.

Honestly, I still wish I had more time to myself, more peace and more sex in my life.  But I’ve found that if I don’t do the little things to carve out time, they will never happen.  My pinnacle achievement thus far in mama hood – I just took a two day process painting Mandala workshop.  I had over 16 hours to paint and enjoy connecting with my soul in a way I had not done – ever!  My painting is called, “The Song Inside”.   What I took away from the workshop is that I MUST CREATE.  And I must allow myself to be seen, and to be heard.  And to do this, I must TAKE the time, because nobody is standing there waiting to give it to me. (www.paintmandalas.com)

Tauni: Letting go to let happen

Perhaps I have an undiagnosed case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, perhaps I was just living under my own special, heavy dark raincloud over the winter,or perhaps it was the fog of a new baby and a toddler.  Whatever "it" was, it's been established now that I felt the least happy and the least myself I had felt in a long time over this past winter.  So, it's interesting to try to understand why I all of a sudden feel MUCH more like myself than ever and finally feel like I am parenting in a way that doesn't make me cringe at the end of the day.  I've actually been very "me" the last few weeks and can attribute that to a few areas where I have experienced "ahhhh", release and letting go to let things happen. 

PEOPLE ENERGY:

There have been a few things I could point to that make me feel better.  One, and one BIG one, is that we've all been sleeping a lot better.  I finally acquiesced to the need to stay home for large stretches of the day to make sure my infant sleeps properly.  This decision had distinct ramifications for me and my toddler however.  Now, instead of heading out first thing in the morning to meet up with friends and go puddle jumping, we were spending hours on end just waiting for a window of time when both boys were awake to be able to do anything beyond our property limit.  This lent to two very stir crazy individuals.

Number two is that I acknowledged that, based on the above and despite my lack of readiness, my toddler needs more inspiration than me and we're lucky to be able to provide it.  A block away hours of playtime awaited my son in the form of preschool.  I was NOT ready...but apparently he was.  He's been coming home and saying how much fun he's having and practically skips down the street.  I can now be guilt free two mornings a week as he burns his energy playing with friends and learning new things as I let the baby sleep.

SPACIAL ENERGY
This is really what I wanted to write about and this is my overwhelming need to clear out space in our house.  We live in an old house with minimal storage and no garage.  When we moved in, I told my husband that any furniture or decor that did not make it into our living spaces was being donated.  I was not going to store anything that didn't belong in this house.  But living as we do, we end up accumulating as the years go by.  Add kids and the stuff piles high.  And I felt weighed down by my stuff.  A couple weeks ago I began a whole-house campaign to rid ourselves of anything that was not being used, didn't make us feel great, or otherwise just took up space.  In order to set an example, I went through ALL my clothes...every single piece.  Being that I am done having kids and am close to my pre-birth weight, I wanted to get rid of all clothes that don't fit well, are stretched out beyond recognition, don't look good or belong to another era (like all my suits from living abroad.  Really?  Even if I had to wear suits again, I doubt I'd go out into the world in the random, outdated suits I wore 10 years ago!!!)  I'll admit to holding on to two pair of ripped jeans because, not quite being at pre-birth weight yet, I just can't stomach buying new jeans, or really any new clothes.  So don't expect to see fashion walking down the street when you see me. It's just not as bad as it was!

Once my closet was down to about 20 hangers, I inspired my husband to tackle his.  Between the two of us we donated over 10 grocery bags full of perfectly usable clothes.  Ahhh, space.  And I did the same with the boys' clothes.  At the rate we do laundry, we didn't need 20 shirts and 15 pair of pants for each boy. So, again, I chose my favorites and passed on the rest...and we STILL have an overabundance. But now it doesn't feel so oppressive.

Finally, I was bound and determined to create ONE space in our house where I could go and close the door; a place that was NOT the bathroom.  Living in a house with a loft is fun and funky but not private.  I yearned for a little slice of privacy.  We rearranged one whole room, got rid of a bed, acquired a futon, stole a rug from another room in the house and now have a dreamly little playroom and mommy sanctuary.  I have felt so excited every time I've gone in there and closed the door. 

CREATIVE ENERGY



Dry salt curing olives

Likely because I've been feeling better, but also because it is spring and spring inspires new growth and inspiration, I've been wanting to get my hands into things.  My son and I have planted a number of seeds to plant for spring.  We've pulled out the old veggies and gotten the soil prepared for the new.  We built a structure out of bamboo and twine.  We planted beans and peas at the base of the structure and hope that this summer the boys can play inside a bean fort.  At the urging of a friend, I've finally picked all the olives off our tree and for the first time ever am experimenting with curing our own olives. 

My mom bought me a great sewing maching for $20 at a garage sale.  It's been staring me in the face since summer.  I finally got the motivation to try something new and made my first "batch" of reusable snack bags.  They are definitely homemade (ie: have raggedy seams), but function!  I'm obsessed...for now.  Just can't figure out when I'll have time to actually make more.

Not sure I can keep all this up, but the dabbling into many different things has been helping me figure out what really gets me excited, makes me light up and otherwise gives me something to look forward to.   I truly attribute all this new energy to having cleaned house...literally and figuratively.  I can't recommend it enough.  Go through your stuff...what is weighing you down?  What don't you need anymore?  Give it new life somewhere else and free up your space.  See what happens!

Colette: Inspiration through creation

I have always known that motherhood would be my future.  Not that I wasn’t ambitious or didn’t have career goals, but what I saw myself doing in my thirties was volunteering in kindergarten classrooms and driving to ballet/swim/karate classes - not sitting in board rooms and driving to an office building.  I ached to be a mom who was present and attentive for her kids.  A mom who made homemade baby food and read to them for an hour each day to expand their vocabularies.  I promised myself that my children wouldn’t watch TV before age 3, would only eat whole grain, organic cereals, and would never throw a tantrum in the grocery store.  Then I had my first daughter…

Soon it became clear my pre-baby ideas were unrealistic and silly.  Dinner at times could not get made unless

Sesame Street

“babysat” my daughter for a half an hour.  Healthy Cheerios were given up for Golden Grahams when that was all she would eat.  And when I saw a mom with a screaming kid at Target I just wanted to give her a hug and tell her I knew how she felt.  My first lessons of motherhood were to “never say never”, and not to judge others for their parenting choices

While I loved my daughter with a deeper sense of love than I ever before felt in my life, I was not prepared for what it really meant to be a mom.  I had anticipated the joy of seeing her first smile, and the pride I would feel in generosity and intelligence, but I did not anticipate the day to day monotony that also accompanies raising children.  Never ending cleaning of bodily fluids, dishes, toys, and clothes.  Reading of the same book over and over because that was all she wanted to hear.  Doing the same puzzle and stacking the same blocks every day till I wanted to poke my eyes out.  And what I was really unprepared for was the inability to accomplish anything that was my own because I simply didn’t have the time, energy, or motivation. 

After my second daughter was born I simply became complacent to who I used to be and who I wanted to be outside of being a wife and a mother.  I was resigned to defining myself as only their mom and getting my sense of self through them and their needs and accomplishments. While I was working two days a week outside of the house I wasn’t feeling fulfilled by it so I then felt guilty being away from my girls doing something that wasn’t helping me to be a better mother or person.  I wasn’t unhappy by any means, but I was feeling creatively lacking and longed for something that was mine and mine alone. 

Before having kids I dabbled in all sorts of arts and craft.  I threw pottery, I knit scarves and hats, I designed birthday and thank you cards, and I made beaded jewelry.  I would get a jolt of excitement when a picture in my mind would become a reality in my hands.  I desperately wanted to feel this again, but I also secretly wanted to create something others may want too.

I was given a necklace for a baby gift that was two sterling silver disks with the names of my girls stamped into each one.  I cried when I received it and I wore it everyday.  I was fascinated by how it was made and I had an unexplained belief that I could make something similar if not better.  One dreary afternoon I suddenly made a proclamation to myself that I was going to start making hand stamped silver jewelry and was going to sell it online.  In hindsight this was subconsciously something I always wanted to do but didn’t believe I could do.  At the time it really felt more like the universe was pushing me forward because it knew this is what I truly needed to do.  I believed that the only way I could fail was if I didn’t try. That night when I told my husband this crazy idea I was blessed with his instant support.  From the get go he said “Great, I know you can do it.”  He never questioned my desire or drive, he just said, “How can I help?”

I embarked on researching extensively how to make the products I wanted to create and I began to gradually buy supplies.  For the first few months I would work for hours after my girls had gone to bed learning, practicing, designing, and creating my jewelry.  It was as if something was awakened inside of me that I didn’t even know had been asleep.  I began to give away necklaces to friends and family.  Soon these same people wanted to buy things for their friends and family.  Word of mouth slowly spread.  I had a website built and began to sell my items on Etsy.  Every month my sales would grow and my confidence would grow.  A year later I woke up and realized I had not only become a jewelry designer, but a photographer (having taken hundreds of product shots for my website), a business woman, and a better mom.  It has been 20 months since the afternoon I made the choice to start my business and I have made and sold over 700 pieces of jewelry.  It is a day to day challenge to stay focused and motivated, but I wake up with the intention that I am going to create something that day that is valuable and meaningful to someone else which makes me want to do it more and do it better.



Addie Rose necklace



I gave myself a reality that had only been a dream.  And this gave me a pride and belief in my abilities and individuality that had been severely compromised before.  I love that my 5 year old tells her kindergarten class that her mommy’s job is making jewelry, and that what she wants to give as gifts to her friends for their birthdays is a necklace that I make.  I want to show both my girls that you can create anything you believe is worth creating, and that the harder you work the luckier you get (thank you Mark Twain.)

I named my business Addie Rose after my girls, Adelaide Katherine and Avery Rose because without them I don’t think I would have done this.  I don’t think I would have found the drive, patience and dedication in me to make it happen.  Motherhood at first suppressed my passions and identity (I was just too tired and overwhelmed to find them), but now motherhood has given me those things ten fold.  I have never felt more like me in my life.

Sheryl: An angel in your life...

The past year was by far the most taxing I've ever experienced...managing the huge demands of being a new parent of a toddler with special needs and a first year therapist, with the constant pull of being a full time graduate student.  The moment of celebration has finally arrived, however, and that year is in the past tense now and much has been accomplished:

• Graduate School For Sheryl:  Check.  
• Professional Internship for Sheryl:  Check.
• Sheryl Hired Upon Graduation:  Check.  
• Alex Selling NY Apartment Building:  Check
• Offer Accepted on Land in Port Townsend:  Check.
• Kai Walking, Running and Even Talking:  Check!

In this, my first pause since starting graduate school and having a son in 2008/2009, I find myself in a reflective space.  Recently, my dear friend asked me to reflect in writing on how being a mom has transformed me, so I thought I'd use this space as an opportunity to do just that.  In truth, there is not one cell in my body, one thought process in my mind, one quantuum in my soul or spirit that has not been completely remade over the past three years. Now for those of you who may have just experienced an internal moan, let me comfort you by offering that I will allow my mentor Inigo Montoya to guide my writing with these words: "Let me Explain.  No that is too much.  Let me Sum Up."

Prior to Kai, I was a master at crafting a mirage of limitlessness by simply setting my sled dog free accomplishing whatever I wished by sacrificing sleep, sanity and self .  However, the very first night I arrived home to a cranky and needy Kai after a draining 12 hour day at work, I realized this strategy was no longer going to cut it.  All of my training and experience in the fully immersed, flat out way of living had nothing to offer me because this pace of living required time to completely shut down and rejuvenate.  It hit me that this quiet time wasn't going to come for at least 18 years so I needed a new pace. This realization has permeated every aspect of my living: from being a mom, to a life partner and a therapist.  And as I begin to accept my own limits and take less responsibility for everything, I notice that those around me take on more, perform better, shine brighter. It is up to me to turn down clients when I have too many, to go home after 10 hours of work, to ask a friend for help with Kai if I need a break.  I realize I was great at taking responsibility for everything in my life except for creating the boundaries I most needed to thrive.  Hence, my new life:  20 hours of work, a part time nanny to help care for Kai, and time scheduled for writing and creating, my most nourishing practices. And Voila! A life rescued from mere surviving and transformed into thriving.  Learn I Have Limits: Check.

Most recently, I've come to see that my son is teaching me about another blind spot.  Ever since Kai was born everyone has said to us: "What a blessing Kai will be.  There is no one as sweet as Down's kids.  You'll be forever grateful, you've got an angel in your life."  I'm not kidding, from nurses and doctors to therapists and teachers.  It seems everyone is in agreement:  Kai is an angel we've been blessed to live with.  Well, with this kind of PR its no wonder that I fell into idealizing my own son.  Particularly given my own tendency toward idealization.  I began expecting everyone he interacted with to reinforce this glowing perception by joining the chorus of adorers.

And it was pretty unanimous until Kai got his first teeth at 14 months.  The he began experimenting with biting, at first only with me, then Alex and soon the world at large.  I can still feel the coursing anxiety I experienced when Kai bit his first child in a random coffee shop somewhere in Seattle (location permanently erased from memory).  I can remember the mom's insane reaction:  "What is your child? An animal of some kind?"  And while I initially nearly took her out with one swipe of my mama bear claw, once I was in my car I sobbed uncontrollably for at least an hour crawling home through horrible traffic, pouring rain and with a screaming Kai in the back.


Many times I've flashed back to that horrible experience wondering just what it was that wounded me so deeply.  There are many answers to this complex question, but for the purposes of this exploration I will focus on the one most relevant.  Since that incident, despite my own skilled hypervigilance, Kai has bitten other kids numerous times with a range of responses from parents from sad and shocked to supportive and understanding.  At my more tired times, I avoid gatherings with other kids as I simply cannot manage the amount of energy it takes to keep everyone safe.  I am always deeply touched by those moms who know Kai's tendency toward biting and help me be on the lookout so I don't feel so alone.  I have examined my own responses deeply enough to understand that I feel shame about Kai's biting, not that I can't stop him but that he bites at all.  And I trace this back to the process of idealization I described earlier, both about Kai and my own tendency toward idealization.

As Kai has entered full blown two year oldness, I began reading some books around supporting the testing and tempering that comes with this stage .  The best one's among them recognized the valid feelings underneath these experiences.  They helped me wake up from the dream of Kai to the reality of Kai.  Right there in front of me sat the answer: I was denying half of who Kai was for the sake of my own addiction to idealizaiton, and truly, our culture's as well.  From the moment of his birth, the expectation of angelic demeanor was placed on Kai and I dutifully carried the banner for him.  My view of Kai allowed for no aggression, frustration, or unkind behavior.  His biting became a symbol of everything Not Angel in him.  Hence, the shame. Shame, simply put, is the feeling of "I am no good." If left unchecked, my own sense of shame when Kai bit others would have soon transferred to him leaving him with that nagging feeling so many of us carry that we are not good enough.  Awaking to this insight has shifted my interactions with Kai 180 degrees.  Daily I catch myself hosting some expectation of the perfect for Kai and I challenge it every time I catch it and broaden myself to allow my son to be who he is in the moment:  frustrated, mad, raging mad or simply feeling aggressive.  The more I support him to experience his authentic feelings, the more I believe he will learn to manage these feelings without acting out or in, as so many older kids do.

Having a child is the most humbling experience I know.  And it is deeply transforming me in ways formerly unattainable despite the endless soul searching that has characterized my life.  I realize now I that I AM blessed with an angel in my life through Kai, I just needed to remember that sometimes angels take on terrible and terrifying forms.

Tauni: Dream it real...dare I start?

Back in the day, before I had kids, I had lots of time to sit around and fantasize about what I wanted my world to look like and what I wanted to be doing. I used to write lists - lists for everything: basic to-do lists, lists of what I want to do soon, what I'd like to do "someday" and what I fantasize about but may likely never do. I would generate action plans for the ideas on my list that were most appealing, and then set forth to make those things happen. I've turned a great deal of my dreams into reality through luck, generosity of family, focused intention, self-motivation and a willingness to create a balance in my life between money and time. Given the choice, I've almost always taken time over money where I can afford to. I'm willing to live with less or get darn creative when that's what it takes. (Maybe I need to expand my dreams to include scads of money AND lots of free time?)

Today, with a 2 1/2 year old and a six month old, I'm just beginning to feel the fog lift.  I feel further and further from the brink of post partum depression.  The days that I get a lot of sleep (clarification:  “a lot” means at least one 4 hour stretch of sleep at one time!), I can see how my life can feel not only manageable, but really great!   For the past few months, I've been back in the space I was in just after my first son was born – deeply feeling the constrictions on my life rather than the new openings in my life. This is not to say that I resent it - I've wanted kids all my life and am blessed with two healthy, vibrant sons. I am just adjusting, again, to my new reality.

During this time, I've been inspired by other moms who refuse to shed all of their old self just because they had kids. They are no less in love with their kids than I am with mine, they just seem to have held on to their passions more tightly than I did. Or perhaps they have more direction than I do. I've never really known exactly what I wanted to do with my life or had a specific direction. I have a general compass that has had me on a trajectory with a definite theme, but no distinct career. Perhaps that is why I felt that so much of my former self was obscured once I had my son? Or perhaps I just didn't know how to integrate my old life with my new?

I was recently directed towards a blog that really inspired me. Goalsfortheweek's picture is of her high-fiving her kids as she runs past them in a foot race. It made me nostalgic for the former athlete in myself who has not seen the light of day for a couple years now. It made me think, really for the first time, about the model I want to provide my kids in terms of WHO I AM, not just the kinds of manners or behaviors I'd like them to adopt. Who do I want my kids to know me as? Someone with a chronic lower back issue that doesn't seem to do much about it? Someone who used to be an athlete, used to have exhaustive energy, used to be an adventurous outdoor instructor, used to courageously leave her life behind and travel extensively? Or someone who still inhabits and brings forth all of those characteristics? I don't want to just be their mom. I want to be an inspiring mom based on what I do for myself as much as what I do for them.

Thus, GoalsfortheWeek has inspired in me two major aspects of myself that had been left fallow for too long: my athlete self and my focus on manifesting my dreams for and beyond the day to day. It's time to dream it real.  Part of my desire for the short term is to surround myself with even more positivity and motivation.  With that desire in mind, I am doing what I do when I feel stuck, unrooted or discouraged: I am reaching out to the strong women in my life who are in, or have been in, similar situations.  I am asking them all how they stayed sane while making oatmeal, cleaning up, changing diapers, cleaning more, etc...  Did they feel that they had lost themselves at any point?  Was there a point when they recovered themselves, transformed, or otherwise became recognizable to themselves?  How did they get there?  What process did they go through in order to regain a sense of familiar ground?  Or did they surrender, embrace or triumph with the even better self that they discovered through motherhood?  Were there just moments in time when they really felt they had nailed this whole parent thing?  What did it look like...what did it FEEL like?  I wanted to know.

And thus the idea for this blog was sparked.  So many women had gone through similar shades of blue and had taken so many different paths to get to the place of peace that they are in now or are striving towars.  I figured that if those stories were so helpful, inspiring and real to me that they may be for others as well.  So here goes.  I've begun.  Just the process of creating the blog, thinking about the message and getting it going has already lit my fire.  The crack in the place called "stuck" has been created.  I'm on my way out and I invite you to join in the journey....

Please join me as I highlight one mom a week and her journey of exploration.  Have a story to share?  Please email me at themamagroove@gmail.com with your story and at least one photo that represents what you’ve written about.  There are no rules except that you’re honest and introspective.  Thank you!