Tauni: Dream it real...dare I start?

Back in the day, before I had kids, I had lots of time to sit around and fantasize about what I wanted my world to look like and what I wanted to be doing. I used to write lists - lists for everything: basic to-do lists, lists of what I want to do soon, what I'd like to do "someday" and what I fantasize about but may likely never do. I would generate action plans for the ideas on my list that were most appealing, and then set forth to make those things happen. I've turned a great deal of my dreams into reality through luck, generosity of family, focused intention, self-motivation and a willingness to create a balance in my life between money and time. Given the choice, I've almost always taken time over money where I can afford to. I'm willing to live with less or get darn creative when that's what it takes. (Maybe I need to expand my dreams to include scads of money AND lots of free time?)

Today, with a 2 1/2 year old and a six month old, I'm just beginning to feel the fog lift.  I feel further and further from the brink of post partum depression.  The days that I get a lot of sleep (clarification:  “a lot” means at least one 4 hour stretch of sleep at one time!), I can see how my life can feel not only manageable, but really great!   For the past few months, I've been back in the space I was in just after my first son was born – deeply feeling the constrictions on my life rather than the new openings in my life. This is not to say that I resent it - I've wanted kids all my life and am blessed with two healthy, vibrant sons. I am just adjusting, again, to my new reality.

During this time, I've been inspired by other moms who refuse to shed all of their old self just because they had kids. They are no less in love with their kids than I am with mine, they just seem to have held on to their passions more tightly than I did. Or perhaps they have more direction than I do. I've never really known exactly what I wanted to do with my life or had a specific direction. I have a general compass that has had me on a trajectory with a definite theme, but no distinct career. Perhaps that is why I felt that so much of my former self was obscured once I had my son? Or perhaps I just didn't know how to integrate my old life with my new?

I was recently directed towards a blog that really inspired me. Goalsfortheweek's picture is of her high-fiving her kids as she runs past them in a foot race. It made me nostalgic for the former athlete in myself who has not seen the light of day for a couple years now. It made me think, really for the first time, about the model I want to provide my kids in terms of WHO I AM, not just the kinds of manners or behaviors I'd like them to adopt. Who do I want my kids to know me as? Someone with a chronic lower back issue that doesn't seem to do much about it? Someone who used to be an athlete, used to have exhaustive energy, used to be an adventurous outdoor instructor, used to courageously leave her life behind and travel extensively? Or someone who still inhabits and brings forth all of those characteristics? I don't want to just be their mom. I want to be an inspiring mom based on what I do for myself as much as what I do for them.

Thus, GoalsfortheWeek has inspired in me two major aspects of myself that had been left fallow for too long: my athlete self and my focus on manifesting my dreams for and beyond the day to day. It's time to dream it real.  Part of my desire for the short term is to surround myself with even more positivity and motivation.  With that desire in mind, I am doing what I do when I feel stuck, unrooted or discouraged: I am reaching out to the strong women in my life who are in, or have been in, similar situations.  I am asking them all how they stayed sane while making oatmeal, cleaning up, changing diapers, cleaning more, etc...  Did they feel that they had lost themselves at any point?  Was there a point when they recovered themselves, transformed, or otherwise became recognizable to themselves?  How did they get there?  What process did they go through in order to regain a sense of familiar ground?  Or did they surrender, embrace or triumph with the even better self that they discovered through motherhood?  Were there just moments in time when they really felt they had nailed this whole parent thing?  What did it look like...what did it FEEL like?  I wanted to know.

And thus the idea for this blog was sparked.  So many women had gone through similar shades of blue and had taken so many different paths to get to the place of peace that they are in now or are striving towars.  I figured that if those stories were so helpful, inspiring and real to me that they may be for others as well.  So here goes.  I've begun.  Just the process of creating the blog, thinking about the message and getting it going has already lit my fire.  The crack in the place called "stuck" has been created.  I'm on my way out and I invite you to join in the journey....

Please join me as I highlight one mom a week and her journey of exploration.  Have a story to share?  Please email me at themamagroove@gmail.com with your story and at least one photo that represents what you’ve written about.  There are no rules except that you’re honest and introspective.  Thank you!